I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
