apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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