The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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