I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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