Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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