Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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