Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
