Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
