Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
