i can't believe i had my finger in that
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
