dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
