he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
