you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
