so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize