i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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