and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
