Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Randomize
