You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
