You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
