I am spending my child support on dildos
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize