he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We need a shit load of segways right now
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
