sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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