Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
