I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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