My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
