i think i have two assholes
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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