Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
