the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize