the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
