i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
