I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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