I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
