you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
