The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
