Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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