I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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