You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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