so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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