The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
