I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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