well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Randomize
