i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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