so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
