There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
