How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
