I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize