So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
