i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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