You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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