I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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