hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
