Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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