So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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