never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
