I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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