how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
