and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
