Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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