Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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