I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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