Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
