i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
